Why I’m Here

I’m here because I’ve been on quite the grief journey over the past few years and I needed witnesses to the transformation that’s been happening deep in my soul. My dad died in his sleep in June of 2017, I had a miscarriage 5 months later, and then my mom died of cancer 3 months after that. To say that my world had been turned upside down would be an understatement. It felt like a natural disaster: the earthquake, the tsunami, the flood, the fire. Things would NEVER be the same. I would NEVER be the same.

Maybe because I was a hairstylist for over 20 years, I like to bring what’s happening on the inside into physical form on the outside. Breakup? No problem, it’s finally time to get that short sexy pixie cut you’ve always dreamed of but decided not to because he liked long hair. New job? Great, let’s add some face-framing highlights to show what a confident, beautiful, bad ass you are. First date? Let’s opt for a playful chignon instead of your usual blow out to show off your back in that new dress. Too bad my life couldn’t be fixed with a trip to my stylist…thank God, because I probably would have shaved my head!

Instead, the back-to-back losses felt like COVID: they shut my whole world down. Something deep within me decided I needed to manifest my feelings on the inside out into the exterior world. I started making even more drastic changes than a buzz cut. About this time last year, I quit my job, sold my house, and hit the road with my husband and then four-year-old.

Eight countries, seven states, and over thirty cities later, I’ve learned that grief is a trip. By that, I mean it’s a journey, an initiation, a crucible, an invitation, an adventure, a catalyst, and it is the thing that has most put me in touch with my humanity. Loss has changed everything in my life, but not just for the worse. That’s been one of the surprising things. Grief has changed me for the better too.

This blog is my effort to take all the shit that’s happened to me and make it mean something. Maybe you’re here because you’re turning the shit that’s happened to you into fertilizer too. Thanks for reading. It’s going to be a wild ride.

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